Climbing out of Limbo

Over the past few months, I have been slacking. Not just on my blog (though you may have noticed a lack of recent posts), but life in general.

While in college, I was doing well:  I worked out three times a week, ate four to five meals a day, wrote, read whenever I had time away from studying. My GPA my last semester at HU was 4.0, I helped three student organizations run, and I walked a dog during my lunch break.  I did all of those things and still had a strong social life that was filled with people of all different majors, even people outside the state. My day had a strict schedule, and I stuck to it. I got things done. I was awesome.

What happened?

Now I’m lucky if I work out once a week, I eat perhaps two meals a day, write only for work, read maybe every other day, never study foreign languages, and my social life is minimal (though I still Skype my out-of-state friends). I don’t set my alarm clock, and have trouble getting up in the mornings, even when I go to sleep early. My planner buried itself under a pile of papers; it’s not like I used it. The most I do for myself is attend personal development seminars once a month, and smaller business plans (for the same program) once a week. This isn’t enough.

The problem is lack of structure. Because I don’t have a schedule that revolves around other people (classes, clubs, etc.), I haven’t scheduled out my day like I used to do, and the result is that I never get anything accomplished.

Today, I resolve to change that. If I want to be successful in any aspect of my life, I need to change my habits. I need to be internally motivated rather than using the external motivation that I have always used. Starting today, my days will be strictly scheduled. I will wake up at 7:00 a.m. and work out six days a week. I will eat at least three meals a day. I will write five hundred words a day that is not for work. I will write at least two blog posts a week. I will maintain my business’ website as well as the websites I maintain for work. I will practice my French twice a week, and I will study German three days a week. I will read a personal development book for half an hour every day, my Bible for half an hour every day, and a novel or short story anthology for half an hour every day. I will listen to four educational podcasts or CDs a day (which I can do when I get dressed in the mornings and while I eat meals). I will make more local friends (most of my friends are long-distance).

To keep this list of promises to myself, I will spend every Saturday night planning out my week, and half an hour every evening planning the next day. To keep myself accountable, I will write a blog post every weekend to document my progress (if I am out of town, it may be posted on Monday, but only if I am out of town).

Post-Grad and Goals for the New Year

I have officially completed the requirements and received my bachelor’s degree of English (Okay, full disclosure: I received my degree a month ago, and just never got around to writing about it until now). My college career is over, and now I can do whatever I want. I can start my life over and be whomever I want. That opens up several possibilities, and gives me so much freedom. I can stay in the States, I can travel abroad for a few years, I can move to Europe (or wherever else I deem appropriate). I can go into event coordinating, publishing, teaching ESL (if I get certification), or whatever else I decide to do. It is, however, also terrifying. In the next year, I will be creating myself. What if I make someone that I don’t like? What if I get stuck in a place or career that I can’t stand, but can’t seem to leave? What if I can never find a good job (no one has offered to hire me yet)? What if I’m too afraid to take any chances? I’ve never been known for my bravery (though, if I’m re-creating myself, perhaps someday I can be).

Let’s examine the options. Continue reading

Miffed

God and I got into a bit of a tiff.

You see, he decided that my boyfriend needed to be in Estonia doing mission work instead of in the States, which is great for boy, but not so great for me. He will be living there permanently, and so it was decided that we should break up–an inter-continental relationship just didn’t seem like a good idea.

If it had been any other reason, I could say, “it happens. People grow apart.” Mission work, though, is definitely from God. So I was a bit frustrated.

Eventually, though, I realized something:  I would make an awful minister’s wife. I am an extreme introvert with a slight attitude. I hate being the center of attention, and that is exactly what I would have to be with him. He loves individuals, but people wear him out. He needs someone  to be extroverted when he cannot. I can’t do that.

All in all, it was a civil breakup. We’re still friends, and we still care for each other. There is just no way that we can be more than friends.

I still have no idea what I am supposed to do with my life, which is frustrating for me. He goes off with a great purpose and leaves me here, floundering and useless. In a few months, I will graduate with my BA in Literature. I still haven’t picked a career yet, not have I chosen a city in which to live. I have no direction, no purpose.

All this led to the tiff. I think I’ve accepted everything now, though I still have no plans for the future. I’ll just have to wait and see what happens.