Panic Makes You Stronger

For whatever reason, nervous breakdowns make me more productive. I am stressed to the breaking point and realize that there is no way for me to accomplish everything that needs to be done. I have a short lapse that usually involves tears and babbling. Then, it happens. I enter superhero mode. My superpower: efficiency. Once I’ve had my breakdown, I enter the top 10% of the most productive people in the universe. I am calm and collected, and I finish my to-do list in record time—that same to-do list that hours ago I had been sure could never be completed. I’ve been told that when I go into ‘business mode’ my attitude says, “I am Amanda, and you would hear me roar, if I did roar. I don’t.”

This week I had a breakdown. You would think that since I’m only taking thirteen hours this semester, my life would be easy. That assumption is false, primarily because one of those hours is Senior Symposium, also known as “Show us everything you’ve learned from your years at our university in one paper and a fifteen-minute presentation.” I am also president of Souvenirs (Poetry Club) and the Society of Near Eastern Archaeology, the vice-president of Scribblers (Creative Writing Club), and a member of the French Club. I believe that I am in college to learn, and most of the time I learn more from my extra-curricular activities than from my classes, at least when it comes to real-world skills. So I try to cram as many things into my life as I can in order to learn and gain experience. I’ve been juggling quite well, but Tuesday, life got the best of me. There were so many projects and responsibilities that I spent the afternoon and much of the evening frantically trying to figure out how to get everything done by the end of the week. Tuesday night, I broke down. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. Wednesday, however, I transformed from Billy to Dr. Horrible. I used the powers of time-management and hard work to destroy the status-quo of overwhelming tasks. I fulfilled all of my responsibilities. I even started doing research for a tentative career path. It was awesome.

Does anyone else become more productive after a short overload breakdown? What do you do when you are stressed?


God and I got into a bit of a tiff.

You see, he decided that my boyfriend needed to be in Estonia doing mission work instead of in the States, which is great for boy, but not so great for me. He will be living there permanently, and so it was decided that we should break up–an inter-continental relationship just didn’t seem like a good idea.

If it had been any other reason, I could say, “it happens. People grow apart.” Mission work, though, is definitely from God. So I was a bit frustrated.

Eventually, though, I realized something:  I would make an awful minister’s wife. I am an extreme introvert with a slight attitude. I hate being the center of attention, and that is exactly what I would have to be with him. He loves individuals, but people wear him out. He needs someone  to be extroverted when he cannot. I can’t do that.

All in all, it was a civil breakup. We’re still friends, and we still care for each other. There is just no way that we can be more than friends.

I still have no idea what I am supposed to do with my life, which is frustrating for me. He goes off with a great purpose and leaves me here, floundering and useless. In a few months, I will graduate with my BA in Literature. I still haven’t picked a career yet, not have I chosen a city in which to live. I have no direction, no purpose.

All this led to the tiff. I think I’ve accepted everything now, though I still have no plans for the future. I’ll just have to wait and see what happens.